As Margaret Cho asked in her special, Notorious CHO, “What’s this weird connection between fans of Star Trek, S&M, and the Renaissance Faire?”
She is certainly not the first to make the connection between geeks and kink, nor does that connection seem to be without merit. Indeed, it seems that the more into Klingon weaponry you are, the more likely it is that you attend the Folsom Street Fair every year. Like Wonder Woman comics? You may also a submissive man who enjoys bondage. The same people that go to San Diego Comic Con are often the same people that go to Shibaricon. But why? Are geeks kinkier than most people? Or are they just more honest about it?
First things first. I’m a firm believer that kink exists on a spectrum. From light spanking and binding your partner with scarves to heavy spanking with specially-purchased implements and elaborate suspension scenes, it all counts. It’s just a matter of where you are, where you’re partner is, and what you’re both comfortable with. So when I use the word “kink,” it’s with that in mind. That said, geeks seem to be more comfortable about expressing their kinks than their “mundane” vanilla or secretly-kinky brethren. This may be because they’re already comfortable expressing their interest in other fringe topics like sci-fi, fantasy, gaming, and horror. Once you’re comfortable enough in your skin to own being a geek, why not be honest about other things? I reached out to several geeks of my acquaintance – some well-known in geek circles, some “civilian” geeks – to get their take on things.
Cunning Minx is a polyamorous kink activist who spreads love and important, practical information both through myriad speaking engagements and on her podcast, Polyamory Weekly. She’s also a hardcore geek with a penchant for steampunk fashion and a Whedon obsession. If you offered her an evening featuring spanking and a Battlestar Galactica marathon, she’d be the happiest clam. When I asked her why there seems to be a correlation between geeks and kink, she said:
“Geeks and kink go hand in hand because they are both exploring alternative subcultures and realities. Once the geek has questioned and rejected parts of mainstream culture in, say, a science-fiction universe, it’s pretty easy to embrace kink as an alternative means to satisfaction as well. Once one begins to question why things are, a plethora of alternative subcultures become easy to accept.”
So, one point for it being more likely that geeks are kinky. However, some geeks want to make it clear that spandex costumes do not equal an interest in kink in one’s personal life.
Amber Love is a popular comics commentator, cosplayer, and model. Her love of comic books knows no bounds, and the range of costumes she’s explored over the years is astonishing. Much of her modeling is adult-oriented, and she certainly understands the connection between the geeky and the sexy. However, she chafes at blanket assumptions about people’s personal lives based on their interests. “I don’t think all geeks and kink go together. I think it’s an assumption that is made, and I say this based on the years of comments and feedback [I’ve gotten] regarding my own costuming and modeling. There is a general assumption that because I love dressing in spandex for fun that I bring costuming into my sexual activities and I don’t. I’m an adult model with costumes because I like both activities and was happy to find a way to combine them.”
Dina Kampmeyer, who blogs about geek dating as Lady Steamy at the League of Extraordinary Ladies blog, agrees that “not every geek out there is any more kinky than the average person,” but brings up the fact that many geeks find kink because they’ve had time to think about and explore sex in a way that more mainstream people just don’t.
“I think there are many reasons, but I will quote one of my favorite movies, Revenge of the Nerds, and answer, ‘Cause all Jocks ever think about is sports, all we ever think about is sex. But seriously, I think a lot of geeks are late bloomers and [have had] many years to think about sex and can develop some non-mainstream urges. Geeks often watch a lot of science fiction and fantasy, which opens our minds to some different and unusual ideas in general. Geeks tend to be more open to new things and perhaps we are not more kinky in our basic natures, but just more willing to embrace this aspect of ourselves.”
There’s a surprising number of women in this article, aren’t there? Uh-huh. Let’s hear from some geek boys, shall we? Douglas Sharpe, who has a love of comics and D&D (Dungeons and Dragons, naturally!), thinks that “geeks are just more comfortable about themselves. A lot of us don’t care if you aren’t into what we are into. So some of us are more comfortable displaying a kinky thing. All the people I’ve seen whipped were at Cons. But I don’t really go to non-geek parties anymore so I couldn’t tell you what the ‘mundanes’ do in their private lives.”
Moving from geeks themselves to geek entertainment, there are many examples of kink and alternative sexuality all over literature, television, and film. This could either be due to the interests of their creators, or simply due to the fact that, if you’re going to be exploring worlds in which anything is possible, putting limits on the kinds of sex you portray is just plain silly.
Pendard is a sex blogger at Geeky Sex, a kink scholar, and currently at work on a book that, among other things, examines kink in New York in the 1950s. He is also a huge Star Trek fan, loves anything Whedon-related, and has a soft spot in his heart for the story of the farm boy from Tatooine. “Examples of kinky shenanigans in geek culture fall into two categories,” Pendard explains. “Things that actually show or imply kinky sex, or supposedly innocent images that have a strong kinky content.
“In the first category, one example that comes to mind is Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, where Worf and Dax are a happily married couple that frequently have sex so rough that it lands them in the hospital. Part of Dax’s kink apparently involves oversharing about her injuries with her best friends over a cup of joe the next morning. Star Trek could get away with showing a relationship like this because the two participants were aliens with ways different than our own. These days, you’re sure to see some kinky sex whenever vampires get in the picture — whether it’s Buffy and Spike [on Buffy the Vampire Slayer] knocking down a condemned house in the throes of passion, or Bill “bloodballing” Sookie [on True Blood]. This plays on the imagery of evil: vampires are evil, non-vanilla sex is evil, therefore it’s okay for vampires have non-vanilla sex. (“Good” vampires like Edward Cullen and Angel don’t have kinky sex — they don’t have sex at all, in fact.)
“The second category is much larger and it’s difficult to define because there’s always deniability. Tim Burton can dress Michelle Pfeiffer in a skintight black vinyl Catwoman costume [in Batman Returns] and have her wield a bull whip, and then when someone suggests that this is maybe, sort of a little bit kinky, he could say, “Get your mind out of the gutter, you sicko, that’s not what I intended at all!” if he wanted to. Even Julie Newmar as Catwoman, tying up Adam West and Burt Ward and putting them in fiendish death traps is arguably some pretty kinky imagery, even if there wasn’t anything overtly sexual going on.”
This second category of kink portrayed in geek culture gives geeks plenty to debate, particularly when it comes to female characters. For example: Wonder Woman. She is one of the most popular characters in comics, and yet there is debate as to whether she is a kink totem, whether she should be, and even who claims her as such.
Love is disturbed by the fact that Wonder Woman gets that kind of attention, because she feels it takes away from what’s really important about the character. “The sheer fact that Wonder Woman has been bastardized as the Queen of S&M because of early depictions of her being spanked has harmed not only her image but makes it challenging for any adult woman that wants to dress as her.”
However, not only does Pendard see her connection to S&M as a strength, but he disagrees that Wonder Woman being spanked or tied up is the focus of that. Rather, he sees her as a focal point for submissive men, who enjoy the fact that Wonder Woman is so often tying up male villains. “One of my favorite examples of [supposedly innocent images that have a strong kinky content] is the Golden Age Wonder Woman series, written by Wonder Woman’s creator William Marston. Marson was a polyamorist who lived in a triad with his wife and girlfriend. He was also a famous psychologist, so the imagery of bondage, dominance and submission that absolutely fill that comic book couldn’t have been accidental. I’ve always thought it was hilarious that the comic book witch hunts of the 1950s focused on supposedly gay content in Batman and Robin that was probably accidental, when all the while Marston was intentionally undermining traditional gender roles and planting very kinky images in impressionable young minds.”
So, Wonder Woman is an example of kink manifesting itself, intentionally or not, into geek culture and entertainment. Love also mentions The Twelve’s Black Widow/Claire Voyant from the J. Michael Straczynski run of The Twelve for Marvel Comics, who is known to go to S&M clubs to pick out girlfriends to dominate. Cunning Minx mentions “the boxing scene between Apollo and Starbuck in the new Battlestar Galactica. This was a great example of negotiated, physical violence being used to purge the involved parties of a host of strong emotions they had no other way to deal with. The bout was violent, emotive, moving and intensely personal–just like a good kink scene. The fact that it didn’t happen to involve nudity or sex is irrelevant; the kink was present in every punch.” Penard mentions “The scene in Casino Royale where Le Chiffre strips Bond naked, ties him to a chair and beats his nuts with a length of rope” as another example of something that may or may not have been included to appeal to a kinky geek audience. And just about everyone I spoke to mentioned True Blood as a prime source of kink for geeks who are into vampires.
Assumptions can never be made about what individual people will be interested in when it comes to their sex lives. However, if you know you enjoy kink, and want an easier time finding someone who shares your inclinations, a Comic Con or a Star Trek convention might not be a bad place to look. Even if a geek you’re talking to isn’t kinky themselves, it’s likely that they’ll be tolerant of your kink, and might even be able to point you in the direction of someone who shares it!
And now, for your enjoyment (and mine!), here are my Top 5 Kinktastic Geek Couples:
1) Lee Adama and Kara Thrace (Battlestar Galactica)
I agree with Cunning Minx in that the boxing scene from BSG is an amazing moment. Knowing their tumultuous relationship, fans of the show know that this was the only way they could really express what they mean to each other. From the way they’re throwing punches, to their whispered confessions, to the looks on the faces of their significant others, everything about this scene shows not only how kink is hot, but it can also help heal.
2) Worf and Jadzia Dax (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine)
As Pendard mentioned, Worf and Dax’s relationship was rife with all sorts of violence, and what makes this couple special is how obviously and deeply they cared about each other. They fought so hard, and bruised each other so much, because it was what they each wanted and, as Dax breathlessly puts it at one point, “He always knows when to stop.” Worf meeting his match in Dax was one of the best parts of Deep Space Nine.
3) Sister Clarice Willow’s Group Marriage (Caprica)
What’s great about the portrayal of group marriage on Caprica, as opposed to on a mainstream show like Big Love, or even a sci-fi novel like Stranger in a Strange Land, is that the group marriage isn’t the result of some kind of religious indoctrination. It simply is. No dogma. No higher mission. While Clarice and Co. were definitely religious fundamentalists, their religion had nothing to do with the way they loved. When first introduced to their large family, Lacy mentions that she’s known other kids from group marriages, whereas monotheism is definitely considered cultish. On Caprica, loving more than one person is no more or less remarkable than loving someone of the opposite sex. Or loving someone of the same sex, for that matter.
4) Buffy Summers and Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
From the scene Pendard mentioned above where they had sex and literally brought the house down, to the time they had sex up against a railing at The Bronze, Buffy and Spike’s relationship always had a bit of an edge, especially sexually, that was fed by the fact that it was always just a little bit wrong. Buffy’s sex with Angel was sweet, but Buffy’s sex with Spike was hot. We won’t even talk about the boring sex she probably had with Riley.
5) Captain Jack and Ianto Jones (Torchwood)
Homosexuality aside, I was always struck by the power dynamic involved in Captain Jack and Ianto’s relationship that was very firm, but also playful. The Captain in his long coat, and the Tea Boy in his sharp suit. Their relationship always seemed a bit like flirty roleplaying, because even after they acknowledged their feelings for each other, they seemed to revel in playing their positions.
Honorable Mention:
Amy Pond and Rory Williams (Doctor Who)
It was a tiny moment, but an important one. In the episode “A Christmas Carol” Amy and Rory are on a pleasure ship returning from their honeymoon and in need of The Doctor to save the ship from being trapped in a strange, electrified cloud. When they first appear in the episode, they run out onto the bridge of the ship, Amy wearing her kiss-o-gram policewoman outfit, Rory in his Roman centurion garb. When asked why, they stutter and stammer through a response, but the implication is clear. They are a happily married couple with a really fun sex life, thankyouverymuch!
What do you think of the list? Comment below!
Words by Teresa Jusino (@TeresaJusino).
