I usually do everything in my power to avoid Hollywood, so when I learned I’d have to cover a red carpet event there (webisode/internet celebrities, collagen, and buttloads of perfume and fashion stuff…gee, I was a bit aprehensive), it’s accurate to say there was a bit of apprehension on my part. Nonetheless, I don’t think there could have been a better event for me than The Second Annual Streamy Awards at Los Angeles’ Orpheum Theater– which sort of summed up how I’d always thought of glitzy and glammy galas when there’s not a Pat O’Brien or Sugar Ray to polish any of the turds.

To say the least, this thing had its share of hitches, but those same snafus (technical, creative, you name it), as well as the event’s B-and-C-List smorgasbord of stars and their inborn sense of self-degradation, made it a lot more interesting than the usual red carpet B.S. Everybody seemed to take it in stride, and we bore witness to an inaugural ceremony that, much like an awkward gangly teenager, had to be bitch-slapped hard into growing up fast.

It helped to have a sense of humor about the whole thing:

This being my first Hollywood event, we predictably butted heads with some other people trying to wade in our space with their big-ass equipment so they could do their interviews for the net. Bastards. HiimRawn, who would later fondle Chris Hardwick and LisaNova on stage (see above), seemed to notice.

So after watching a slew of people I didn’t know glide down the carpet, Zoe spotted Robert Englund, aka Freddy Krueger, and there was much rejoicing!

Why are they taking Freddy seriously now? Your comedic timing made the series what it was dammit!

Robert Englund: Well, out of all the horror franchises that are being reborn, I think like this one has the most potential. They’re going to take it in a different direction, and it could work out very well. And with the development of CGI and everything, you’ve got the ability to do some amazing stuff in the dream sequences.

So what is life like now, post-Elm Street?

Englund: The web series we got nominated for is called Fear Clinic, and it’s doing great. Let’s see. I just got done doing a movie with Robert Patrick, Samantha Mathis, and Hal Holbrook. I also did a movie with Danny Glover that will be coming out soon, where I play an Army psychologist. It’s got a lot of great people in it.

Next up was Ted Raimi (underrated character actor, more talented brother of Spider-Man/Evil Dead director Sam):

So after being  in front of the camera and on celluloid for years, how is being on the web different?

Ted Raimi: It’s refreshing. A lot of the stuff that was a pain about shooting on film, a lot of the hassle, it’s all not so bad anymore. I like it.

If you had to pick your favorite on-screen death, what would it be?

Raimi: A favorite? Hmmm. I dunno…

How about when Liam Neeson sticks your body out of the sewer in Darkman and your head gets squished by a truck?

Raimi: (laughs, a bit embarrassed) Yeah. you know, that would probably have to be it.

Also strolling down the carpet was Married With Children’s David Faustino (Bud Bundy), TYT’s (The Young Turks) Cenk Uygur…to sum it up: every person you’ve seen in a video on YouTube, at least if it’s famous– the Chocolate Rain guy, Steve Urkel, you name it. Conspicuously absent but not as missed, though, was the “Leave Brittney Alone!” dude. Damn…

Next up was GURU JI of Vimeo, with Melissa Jun Rowley.Who you ask? Well she’s kinda hot and he’s got an awesome beard, what else do ya need?

Aren’t your feet cold?

Guru Ji: No no, my friend. I am simply happy to be here. And this glorious carpet beneath my feet? Everything is fantastic.

So what are your feelings on the Non-Proliferation Treaty?

Guru Ji: Three things get in the way of experiencing life, my friend: The politics, the sexuals, and something else, which I can’t remember. But I think it’s good. The whole world could benefit from their example.

At this point, a ponytailed lady sidles up to me. Jillian Davies is here to promote her new web series, Miss Behave. Do you want to talk to her about it? Then Lillian Davies turns up, and she’s really hot, so sure.

So tell us a little bit about your show.

Lillian Davies: Well, I play a girl who’s really just struggling with a lot of issues. She has to learn to deal with her immensely successful, rich parents, and starts trying to hide it through lying to her friends. It ends up becoming a bit of a hassle. It’s been awesome and a lot of fun. I’m working with some of the other cast from Days of Our Lives. So it’s great to be working with them again.

After that, Zoe spots former MADTV star and renowned voice-over actor Phil LaMarr taking pictures of her. Finally he wanders over. He’s promoting Back on Topps, another nominee for Best Ensemble Cast.

Phil LaMarr: Hey. I was stealing some photos of you. You have cool hair.

Zoe: Well let me get some of you too!

I had to watch a sexual harassment training video with you in it. I was training to be a waiter and watched you get fondled by a female employee.

LaMarr: Dude, are you serious? That was made in the nineties! I’m sorry ya had to endure that.

I want to see how he feels he’s improved, but the ceremony’s beginning and everyone is hustled inside. So that pretty much does it.  I have to confess to an awkward moment though: uh, Patrick Duffy and I sort of locked eyes for a second. There’s no way to explain why– it was just pretty gay to lock eyes with Patrick Duffy. I tried to ask him “So, uh…who shot J.R.?” to sort of break the awkward silence, but fortunately he shook free first and shuffled into the Theater. I guess we both have that effect on people.

I could try to describe the Awards themselves, but this is a fair slab of writing thus far, and honestly, you should just try to catch an edited version online. Chad Hurley, creator of YouTube, received the 2010 Visionary Award for his contributions to the online entertainment industry. Kevin Pollack received a Streamy for Best Online Production in a Web Series. Best Ensemble Cast in a web Series went to the Easy to Assemble. Then there was PG Porn, which Zoe told me about and I later saw and you must see to believe, because it is hilarious and PG and still makes you want to take a shower. And after watching it can’t recommend it enough. Just…watch it. Make time. Also I hadn’t seen “Chocolate Rain” until I got home. Still can’t make it through the whole way, but I understand how under the influence of some substance you’d tend to just sort of nod off in front off.Fortunately the always-entertaining Smosh Brothers were there.

Then again, between all the fake boobs, sexual harassment themes and balls hanging out, the air pretty much smelled of sex anyways all night. With a host of the industry’s more likable stars, a somewhat disastrous-but-endearing ceremony, as well as my own struggling moment of hetero-doubt, I went home for a long hot shower and drank myself into a coma while a loop of technical difficulties played in my head. Check out the Streamys website for the entire list of winners. Or as one porn entrepreneur succinctly put it, “Get it? The STREAMYS!”

Words by Jeff Nau, Photos by Zoetica Ebb