(Possible minor spoilers ahead)
Michael Bay must have been on a short leash when making the original Transformers since it didn’t feel like, well, a Michael Bay movie. Transformers was like an old school summer movie with every element of fun imaginable… in many ways, it had that classic Spielberg summer movie touch. The first film introduced mainstream audiences to the worldwide toy and cartoon sensation in a way that made it entertaining and palatable for non-fans. Transformers was simple and sweet… it was about a boy and his first car… and then all hell breaks loose in the midst of robot on robot action. (Or “Autobot on Decepticon” action to be specific.)
The sequel is always expected to deliver more of all the things you love, but the result is all CG-robot fighting to the point where the action actually becomes incredibly dull. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is about the same boy, Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBouf), who goes off to college without his beloved car, the Autobot Bumblebee, or his girlfriend, Mikaela (Megan Fox). And he even leaves without telling her that he “loves” her. Awwww. Before Sam can even finish his first day of school, he is yet again, caught up in an international Transformers war to end all wars when all hell breaks loose. This time around, it’s really hard to care. It might seem strange to complain that there are too many battles… but there are just too many Transformers fighting it out. It’s big. It’s loud. There’s more action. All of that sounds good but without the heart, we just don’t care. And to replace the missing heart, we get things like, (no SPOILERS ahead but all of these SPOILED the film for me) an old fart Transformer with a cane who is resurrected in a museum and provides unfunny comic relief.
Then there are the two Autobots (Mudflap and Skids) that split and transform from an ice cream truck who “talk jive.” No, I’m not kidding. They talk jive. And the faces seem… well, like very cliché racial stereotypes complete with gold tooth and baggy pants. I’m not ultra-politically correct, but this just seems so wrong and out of place. So imagine if you will, a movie with not one Jar Jar Binks along for the ride, but two! Yeah. To add to the disappointment, there’s plenty of lame and out-of-place sexual humor which is topped off at the dramatic climax when we see Devastator’s… balls. Yes, his balls! I am not joking. Two Giant Dangling Balls! (Are these also on the action figure for accuracy?) And if you miss the balls, John Turturro’s character mentions, “Hey, there’s his balls!”
Now this is a Michael Bay movie through and through. And when a director like Michael Bay puts his name on a film, it says something about him. I think Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen says a lot about what Michael Bay is about, so I’m here to provide some penetrating analysis.
1. He likes it Long.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen comes in at two and a half hours. It’s long. In fact, it feels long. Really long. And fight scenes go on long… so long. And if you look at the running times of his movies… they are all over two hours and… always… so… long. Transformers (144 min.), The Island (136 min.), Bad Boys II (147 min.), Armageddon (150 min.), The Rock (136 min.) he likes it to go on… for… a… long… time!
2. He likes it Loud.
Michael Bay likes it loud… oh so… loud. He likes every scene to be so loud that quiet scenes are loud. He likes to hear it loud and wants to know you’re hearing it nice and LOUD!
3. Boobs.
Michael Bay likes boobs. Now we all know that Boobatron is not an Autobot, but if Megan Fox transforms, we all know that is exactly what she’d turn into. If you count the number of times Megan Fox runs away from an explosion in slow motion with her boobs jiggling in slow motion that number would be two. And Megan Fox has two boobs. Coincidence? I think not.
4. Those three little words.
You know the ones I’m talking about, right? Those three little words… the three that every woman wants to hear. They begin with an “I” and end with a lie. Well, this is a major sub-plot in the film that, of course, pays off. Sam and Mikaela avoid saying those three words before he leaves, just as I imagine that Michael Bay avoids saying those words to Playmates when they leave. But more accurately, Michael Bay avoids saying them to his audience. He just doesn’t love us. And how do I know that? Because he made Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen that’s how.
5. He likes Toys.
Michael Bay likes to play with toys… lots of toys. And Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has plenty of toys to play with… as I imagine Michael Bay does in the bedroom. Have lots of toys to play with, that is.
6. Climax.
It is accurate to state that 99.9% of all sci-fi and genre movies end the same way. Think about it, after a satisfying build up all is made right when there is a huge release in the form of an explosion! Michael Bay sticks close to the conventions of the genre, just as I imagine he does in the bedroom, when, after a semi-satisfying build up, it explodes all over… everyone. And I do mean all over everyone, since the entire cast of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is covered in what’s left of the explosion. Sam even gets it in the face, and considering what LeBeouf got paid, you could definitely call that the money shot!
Words by Chris Gore
Transformers 2 opens June 24th nationwide
Damn! I was really hoping this would be awesome! I LOVED the first film, that really got me into Transformers. but everything I’ve heard is making me regret spending that $36 dollars for the IMAX tickets.
Even if, as a FILM, it isn’t good, is it good as a MOVIE? is it still a fun time, or just boring?
All this raunchy goodness (or should I say badness?) has only made me all the more eager to dive into this sucker as quickly as possible! Tomorrow (or…10 hours from now) here I come!
I think Chris was too easy on his review! Transformers 2 sucked bad. This movie epitomizes how crappy Hollywood has become. Even the dialogue felt like it was on steroids. I could barely understand what anyone was saying except for Optimus Prime.
Movies like this no longer contain any concept of “down time” to establish story or get the audience to become emotionally attached. Its like Hollywood assumes that the majority of the audience has ADD and thus must contstantly be barraged with an onslaught of over-the-top action to keep them watching.
I blame much of this on the over use of CGI. Hollywood no longer needs a good story and script, because for whatever reason, auidences still remain fascinated by this new generation of special effects. I think the only way to tell if Michael Bay, and other of the younger generation of directors, have any real talent would be to force them to make a summer blockbuster movie WITHOUT the use of CGI. Of course that will never happen, but if it did, I bet you would learn fast who in Hollywood has legitimate talent and who has simply rode the coat tails of technology to success.
Neil – dude, this is a movie about robots. Not overusing CGI would be a very bad decision.
Still, it sucked half as bad as I expected.
Like my friend Keith said “It’s like someone complaining that Taco Bell sucks. Well if you’re wanting Mexican food then duh! But if you want Taco Bell it’s freakin’ awesome!”
Also Someone Else? Bay shoots more practical effects than most action directors out there. The robots are CG, but the splosions and flying cars are often actually sploding and flying. He’s old school, shooting on film and shooting alot of it. Ya might want to tone down the anti hollywood angst until you actually have a clue what you’re talking about.
this movie sucked flat out sucked devastator balls. I don’t even consider this in the Transformers Universe it just sucked.
I went to see a 12:30am showing, and didn’t get out til 3am or later. It was long, and there was too much building up, not that the effects weren’t kewl. They acutally were the best part of this movie.
The heavy use of military, the mentioning of terrorist attacks or worse attacks since 9/11 regarding damage that happened was just lame. Bay could have made this better, maybe he needed someone who is good at story telling while bay used his typical camera shots and techniques he really likes to use. The girl was a rip off of the T3 chick in my opinion too!
It just didn’t come together, won’t compare to the new harry potter at all.
I just found an awesome q&a with the cast members of Transformers 2. There were clips with MEGAN FOX where she talked about SHIA LABEOUF and how she thinks she is “useless” to herself. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese also talk about the movie and which Transformer they would want to be. Personally I am an optimus prime fan! Here’s the link:
http://www.iheartradio.com/cc-common/ondemand/player.html?apid=5719&mid=205515/?cmp=transformersint_nicole
Hope you enjoy as much as I did!!
This was terrible!!!!!!! what a waste of 2 and a half hours… and another thing, why is Shia Labeouf a star?